It’s again been a while since I’ve written here, and this poor blog is suffering from lack of attention.  That is not to say I don’t think about it often – and WANT to write in it, but don’t quite know what to say.  It has come to my attention that I probably have an internal censor – one that is rather unconscious – in that I am rarely able to articulate just WHAT it is that I’m pushing away from being posted here.

I have a few ideas to rev it up – like make this blog’s basis be “photo of the day” which will both encourage me to use my camera more – and to encourage some “stream of consciousness” writing about the photo – and my life on that day.  It would be a tool – a way in the door – for a discussion of my thoughts and feelings and daily life.  I don’t want to start that until the first of the year, though – – or maybe I could do it June 30th, when the year is half over.  I’ll think on that….

Yet – I think it’s probably instructive to write about just WHY I am having trouble, and why I am censoring myself – if, in fact, this is what I’m doing.

I admit I am nervous about making too much of my life public for all the internet to see.  Yeah … like the entire internet is here.  That’s a joke.  I have next to no readership.  But – I have had some spam viewings and comments so there are a few who make a habit of cruising blogs just to leave tacky comments, which I take the time to delete!  It’s not that I fear my own life being public, but I do not want to compromise my family or friends who have no say in what I write about them – even peripherally, or just in “mentions”.

However, there’s more than this….

My self confidence is weak.  Not only that, I also have a very basic fear of abandonment and rejection by others.  Those two traits combine together to make me very nervous about speaking my mind.  First of all – I am not sure what I think and feel about things and do not have confidence in my own beliefs.  I’m easily swayed by others – by strong beliefs that do not match my own, or when I perceive I’m in the minority.  Am I being swayed because they are correct? (for me)?  Am I being swayed because of my lack of confidence in myself and my thought process?  Or, Am I being swayed because I do not want to disagree with others for fear of how that could affect my relationship with them.  If I have to “agree to disagree”, it doesn’t end the friendship – but that “aura of caution” – or – boundaries (I choose) about discussions of certain topics seems to temper the friendship – at least for me.

When I was a child, I was occasionally teased because I had “funny” or “silly” ideas.  For a sensitive child that I was, that’s not a good way to encourage me to think and believe things for myself.  And – I never wanted to admit to my family – or to anyone – how sensitive I was, and put up a cynical, sarcastic exterior.

In the past few years, as our country has been so volatile with political and religious conflict, I have seen many relationships flounder and die because of these disagreements.  Relationships that had been strong, are now strained, or “compartmentalized” where it’s mutually decided (or one member decides) that politics and religion are to be removed from discussion in order for the relationship to remain.  Some relationships have ended altogether.  I’ve seen Facebook and my Live Journal journaling group erupt when these things come up for discussion.  I have recoiled and have been very cautious – commenting little on posts like that.

Because of my fears of losing friendships – I have backed away from figuring out where I stand on things.  Clearly I have chosen “relationships” – no matter how good or how bad – over my beliefs and identity.  In fact – it has occurred to me that don’t want to know who I am for fear that standing up for that will impact friendships negatively.  I back off from learning about myself – much less broadcasting that.  I’ve often ended up to be a fence sitter – being the one that “sees both sides of an issue”.  In many ways, that is an honorable place to be.  We all need to understand how other’s feel and think.  However, we also need to know how WE think.  This means that I appear (and probably am) rather “wishy washy”.  It’s also occurred to me that people may see through this and know what is going on inside maybe even better than I do!

I remember way back in the beginning of therapy many years ago the statement “To Know Me Is To Hate Me” just fell out of my mouth.  I didn’t know I was going to say it until it was said.  I think that is telling as to the motivation of why I don’t want to be truly “known”.

It is sad that I will compromise my own identity – my own SELF – to have “relationship”.  The reality is that these relationships are not worthy if they would so quickly go away if I was to be who I am?  Sad that I think so little of myself that I choose not to “be me” in order to have “them”.

But – – who am I?

When you have spent a lifetime (and I do think it’s been that long!) of pushing your own beliefs underground, it becomes difficult to unearth what they might be.  It’s difficult to know when I’m espousing another’s belief (so I’ll be accepted by them) or whether I really believe that.  One truly can lose the ability to know oneself if it’s not honed on a consistent basis.  Identities are fragile – easily injured…

Recently I have taken the risk to state a few of my views (or what I think are my views?!) – and have had to deal with adamant disagreement.  When that happens – I have observed myself “caving” – compromising my views – fearing the loss of friends.

With all this in mind, it’s no wonder I struggle with blogging.  The essence of blogging is the ability to know one’s beliefs, as well as state them – to be “out there” with them, and allow the chips to fall where they may.  It might be better to stick with the smaller – and more “daily” events of my life.  Yet – even they seem to be censored, as well.  It’s as if the censor inside of me doesn’t differentiate between important and unimportant events or feelings.   It’s clear my censor is using up way too  much energy and sapping the life out of me.  My censor is my fear … my negativity, run amuk.  I am going through life without knowledge, joy, and wonderment – because I have not been able to let go to them.  They are out of my consciousness.  I’m just “getting through each day” – rather than experiencing it.  And … I need to find a way of letting that go – to find and reveal the real person that is me.

And – trust me … this blog entry in itself, is a risk.